Let go of one causing pain, speaker says
by Lillian Kemp, Reporter

   How to Fall Out of Love was delivered to NW students on Halloween by a counselor who said she has had to renew her heart before.
   Dr. Terry Collet illustrated different patterns of behavioral techniques to let go of that lover who causes unhappiness.
   “When the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving, then it’s time to let go,” she said.
   One of the first steps Collet offered is journalizing feelings in a completely honest way.
   In this process, she said, an evaluation of all feelings and grief can be released.
   “Before you can let go, you have to get out of feelings and heart and get into your head,” she said.
   Collet demonstrated behavioral techniques that include making progress with thoughts and rewarding good behavior.
   Another factor is the acknowledgement of whether a woman is being loved in return by “hairy legs,” the reference Collet used for “the boyfriend.”
   Some of the symptoms of unrequited love, Collet said, include depression, sexual dysfunction, withdrawal from friends, self-destruction (drinking, overeating and overspending), obsessive thoughts, inability to function on the job and difficulty in making new friends, just to name a few.
   According to Collet, making a commitment contract is an effective tool because it sets a goal to stop thinking about the lover as much. It also places a time limit for this goal to be met.
   This contract can establish rewards for good behavior demonstrated through declining thoughts for the significant other, Collet said.
   Collet said she guarantees this technique because it has a specific goal and action.
   “This works because it is simple, functional and practical,” she said.
   Collet explained to the audience that there is always a grief cycle, but the time varies from one person to another.
   The cycle illustrated shows that people go through negative feelings such as denial and depression first.
   However, Collet said, after negativity, eventually understanding and surrendering come, which is followed by acceptance and new life.
   “For every loss is a gain,” she said.
   For some people, Colette said, the grief cycle is repetitive, so the never-ending battle of letting go is never achieved.
   As an example, Collet warned the audience members to always remember the bad about that person when thinking about going back.
   “You should treat yourself royally, and you’ll feel royally,” she said.
   This attitude will help to establish new patterns, Collet said.
   Collet presented several behavioral techniques to rid the mind and heart of the old love, including thought stopping and silent ridicule.
   If all else fails, Collet said, a person should use repulsion, picturing the ex close enough in contact to be kissed.
   Then, she suggested imagining rejecting the other person only to turn around and kiss the sexiest person alive.
   According to Collet, this process should be repeated 15 times a day.
   Collet pointed out that behavioral techniques will allow the lover to be in control and reduce the time spent thinking about “hairy legs.”
   These suggested techniques also will help the lover unlearn or extinguish thoughts; reward positive acts and use competing thoughts to break repetitive chains, Collet said.
   “You have to want it to work,” she said.
   For more information, contact Collet in the NW counseling center at 817-515-7788.