Students still trying to decide votes as debates answered few questions
by Vinny Setala, Centralia College special report

     So it’s finally come down to violence. I knew it was just a matter of time, but the headline in last week’s newspaper said “Gore, Bush trade shots in Midwestern states.”
Although I suspected it would come down to a shoot-out, my only real concern is for the innocent bystanders.
     Considering they are trading shots over a number of entire states, there are probably a whole bunch of people in the way.
     And if these guys are not better at shooting than they are of being truthful, all those folks should be diving out of the way!
     Oh … wait. Oops. My mistake. I guess I should always read the article first. It turns out they weren’t actually shooting at each other after all.
     They were (as usual) just calling each other miserable liars who will say and do anything to get to be president.
     Aw, c’mon! You mean that someone would actually lie in order to become the head of the most powerful nation on the planet? Somehow, I don’t find this surprising.
In fact, about the only thing that does surprise me is that anyone would believe anything these characters have to say.
     It could be just me, but if my admittedly faulty memory serves me correctly, every four years we have been told a great many wonderful things by a variety of different candidates that makes them sound like the next best thing since the invention of twist-tie garbage bags, only to find that when they actually end up in their respective offices, their actions are virtually diametrically opposite of the promises they made.
     Anybody else out there notice this?
     Now, normally, I stay away from anything regarding politics.
     I stay away from politics because I don’t believe that anything I happen to say or do will make the slightest difference in the ultimate outcome of history.
     But since I do have a simple answer to what most folks consider an insurmountable problem, I thought I’d share it with you so you could understand, too.
     Everyone agrees that the big problems in government are greed, corruption and special interests.
     With this kind of temptation, is it any wonder that opportunistic scoundrels plot and scheme for years to get into a position that allows them to capitalize on whatever office they are seeking?
     Of course not.
     Now consider that these characters are by and large lawyers in the first place.
     That by itself should bring the picture clearly into focus. The question is, what do we do about it?
     Ah … now that’s why I can be so crucial to the fate of our country.
I have the answer.
     Make all public offices in all forms of government strictly minimum wage.
     Add in a provision that no one in public office can accept any sort of “gift” from anyone for the duration of their office under penalty of immediate execution, and presto! Problem solved.
     No opportunistic scalawag in his or her right mind would even think about running for office.
     On the other hand, those individuals who are truly committed to public service would be willing to sacrifice fortune and fame for the good of the country. They would be the only ones that would run.
     I see no flaws in this solution, so I’m left with the conclusion that I am either (a) a genius or (b) may have taken too much of my medication.
     What do you think?
     In the interests of finding out, I would like to conduct a simple poll. The question is this:
     Can we believe anything that either presidential candidate has to say? Answers:
     - Of course we can!
     - Are you nuts? Not a chance!
     - Who cares; it’s fishing season.
     - You need to lay off that medication.
     I thank you for your support and will publish the results as soon as the final votes are in.