Ten-digit dialing too much for these 10 digits
by Matt Skates, nw news editor

     The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) is ripping our lives away, one second at a time.
     An average person spends six months on the toilet, one-and-a-half years in traffic, two-and-a-half years on the phone, eight years working and 12 years glued to the TV.
     People don’t need anything else to take up their time.
     So where’s the beef you ask?
     Well, because of the influx of new phone lines, cell phones, modems and who knows what other communication devices, it is now necessary, as I’m sure most people are aware, to dial a three-number area code before you dial the seven-digit phone number we are all used to.
     I mean, really, don’t we spend enough time dialing? Aren’t seven numbers enough?
     Figuring the average person makes around 10 phone calls a day and lives to be 75, having to dial the area code takes about three days off of a person’s life. And that’s about 800 billion days total that the FCC is taking from U.S. citizens.
     That’s a day for each digit, not counting all the times you forget to put in the area code. In those instances, you are five rings into the call when that recording of a woman comes on pointing out your fallacy.
     Like I don’t have enough women pointing out everything I do wrong?
     Honestly, it makes me want to throw babies in a wood chipper.
     Of course, the problem isn’t really the FCC; it’s overpopulation (speaking of throwing babies in a wood chipper). And, apparently, all of these folks want their cell phones, their Internet hook ups, their personal lines for all 10 kids at home. Thus, causing all of us single line, no cell phone people digital problems.
     The current global population is estimated at 5.9 billion and is rapidly increasing. There are just too many people to keep track of in the United States.
     But what can really be done about this?
     The U.S. government doesn’t want to be like Japan and put a limit on the number of children in a household because the United States doesn’t want to be seen as a faceless overlord that governs every last part of everybody’s life.
     And there’s no way people are going to regulate themselves, so any depopulating plans must be covert.
     The “Soylent Green” idea has already been tried in college cafeterias with modest results, but a solution that will greatly affect the current population is now necessary. 
     My solution?
     Everyone should drive a Volkswagen bus. I know this may sound far-fetched, but bear with me.
     Whereas most cars utilize safety features like airbags and a front-mounted engine, Volkswagen buses use people as the first line of defense in protecting the car.
Therefore, the Volkswagen bus becomes the perfect means of decreasing the population while increasing the number of usable vehicles.
With this solution, everybody wins, especially me since I have one for sale.