Pacemaker needed to boost ’Hearts
by Ashley Clark, entertainment editor

    America’s Sweethearts, starring Katherine Zeta-Jones, John Cusack, Julia Roberts and Billy Crystal offers only one surprise in this extended preview trailer. The movie is not as good as it was expected to be.

    For those who haven’t already seen the movie-in-a-nutshell during commercial breaks, Zeta-Jones and Cusack star as America’s favorite onscreen couple who have let the nation down by breaking up.

    A new movie starring the couple is set for release and fans are refusing to attend unless the off-screen romance once again matches the on-screen romance.

    This situation distresses Crystal’s character who feels that his job as their personal pep-rally is on the line unless America’s Sweethearts rekindle their love. He calls upon sister Kiki (Roberts), Gwen’s (Zeta-Jones) personal assistant, while he arranges a false press conference.

    Now comes the lame excuse for a plot twist.

    Gwen is having an affair with a horribly over-acted Latin boyfriend, who keeps pronouncing the word junket “hunket,” and Kiki was also created from the same reusable character mold.

Each actor deserves a slap on the wrist followed by a “you know     better than that.”

    Along with poorly developed characters, weak potty jokes are also a running theme in this film. During one scene, Crystal is greeted by an otherwise hostile dog as the dog forces his head between Crystal’s legs for an annoying amount of time.

    Crystal takes this opportunity to spew out as many wannabe one liners as possible.

    The highlight of this joke is supposed to be when Crystal tells the dog “at least let me buy dinner first,” and Roberts enters the room with “maybe I should leave you two alone.”

    Another scene features Cusack spying on Zeta-Jones outside an Arizona hotel room. Cusack loses his balance and falls crotch first into a cactus.

    The camera starts to film Cusack from behind as the scene is now being witnessed by police officers in the distance.

    What they see is Cusack removing the needles from his crotch area with one arm, and they automatically assume what every 13-year-old might assume.

    To over do it even more, Cusack is wearing a trench coat in Arizona weather. Much of the humor attempted in the film resulted more in eyeball rolling than any kind of laughter.

    On a positive side, a scene between Gwen and Kiki finds Zeta-Jones in her sister’s bed begging her for a favor in a silly voice that is a cross between a grandmother talking to a baby and a puppy dog.

    This scene offers the only notable sincere humor in the film. Audiences might also get a kick out of seeing Roberts in prosthetic blubber to portray Kiki 60 pounds heavier in a few brief scenes.

    America’s Sweethearts wins the title of “Biggest Let Down of the Summer” with its clichéd, overly dramatic and overly done script disguised by an all-star cast and a well-edited preview. Not to worry—video stores should be stocking up soon for the mildly curious.