Film’s sequels offer potential mass appeal
by Chris Taylor, editor-in-chief

    I just received my Jesus videotape in the mail.

    Some churches and other sponsors decided to send out this tape in order to bring awareness to Jesus for Easter.

    I figured I’d have a little fun with the Jesus tape before recording The Simpsons over it.

    I thought of some sequels for when the next Jesus tape comes out. Some actually sound better than the original.

    Night of the Living Jesus—Several strangers are trapped in a farm house while swarms of flesh-eating Jesuses (or would that be Jesui?) attempt to break into the house and feast on their brains.

    Return of the Jesus—Jesus joins the rebels on a forest moon, joins hundreds of small teddy bear-like creatures called Ewoks. Together they topple the evil stormtroopers and free Darth Vader from the dark side of the force. Jesus plus cuddly animals equals a box-office smash.

    Any Given Sunday—Jesus is a third-string rookie quarterback on a playoff-bound football team. When the first two quarterbacks are lost because of injury, Jesus steps in. Jesus earns the team’s respect and gets the team to the championship game, where they lose to the Lions.

    American Jesus—Jesus lives in the suburbs with his wife and teenage daughter. Jesus then suffers a mid-life crisis, quits his job, buys a muscle car and gets a job at a fast food restaurant. He is later shot by his next-door neighbor, whose son had been selling marijuana to him.

    Jesus Returns—Jesus lives in a stately mansion in Gotham City. Because his parents were killed when he was a child, Jesus fights crime by night and is a wealthy entrepreneur by day. In this movie, he falls in love with Catwoman and fights the Penguin.

    Jesus Park—Scientists discover a way to clone Jesus and open an amusement park, where people can watch the Jesuses in their natural habitat. The Jesuses escape, of course, when a hurricane knocks out the park’s power. They then terrorize all those trapped on the island.

    JHC—In this movie, Kevin Costner plays an attorney trying to break open the conspiracy surrounding Jesus’ death.

     No messiahs were harmed in any way during the writing of this column. If these films are ever actually made, attendance will probably be mandatory.